Samstag, 30. September 2006

Hổ thẹn

Tôi chuẩn bị tròn 27 tuổi.

Tôi nhìn bạn bè đồng trang lứa với mình, tôi thấy họ đã làm được những điều tôi đã không làm được. Họ thật giỏi giang và có chí tiến thủ. Họ mạnh mẽ và dám nghĩ dám làm. Còn tôi?

Bạn bè thời phổ thông giờ đã hầu hết ổn định công việc và gia đình. Nhiều người đã sinh con. Nhiều người là giảng viên đại học. Có người thành công vượt bậc, là một trong những gương mặt xuất sắc của giới trẻ trong nước.

Bạn bè đại học ở Hà Nội giờ đã thành tài hết cả. Người đi du học thì cũng đã về nước lập nghiệp. Bạn bè còn lại thì đều nắm giữ những vị trí không tồi trong những cơ quan máu mặt ở Hà Nội.

Bạn bè đại học ở Berlin cũng đều đã đi làm. Bây giờ tan tác mỗi đứa một nơi. Cũng là vì yêu cầu của công việc.

Bạn bè đại học ở Paris hầu hết đều đã đi Mỹ làm tiến sĩ hoặc làm việc trong những cơ quan tổ chức quan trọng của Pháp hoặc quốc tế.

Bạn bè yXine, MB có người đã quyết chí theo lòng đam mê. Họ tiếp tục đi học để sau này có thể làm được những gì đáng kể cho điện ảnh Việt Nam.

Còn tôi?

Tôi chưa làm được gì. Hàng ngày mơ mộng viển vông và lười biếng bươn chải. Tôi nhìn bạn bè rồi nhìn bản thân, tôi chưa có gì.

Tôi sống trong nỗi băn khoăn về tương lai. Một mặt, tôi không đủ can đảm để vứt bỏ cuộc sống hiện tại để bắt đầu một cuộc sống mới ở một nơi mới. Mặt khác, tôi dày vò với sự bình yên hiện tại. Tôi sợ một ngày, những ước mơ cuả tôi bay đi mất. Còn tôi bơ vơ giữa những nhàm chán thường nhật.

Câu hỏi tôi là ai tôi đã trả lời được. Tôi cần gì, muốn gì? Tôi đành hổ thẹn mà nói rằng, tôi không biết.

Một người không có mục tiêu sống thì có nên tồn tại hay không?

Dienstag, 12. September 2006

Time to leave

I've just listened in on the mailbox. A message from a far away living friend. He described his illness. He has a brain and lung tumor in the last periode. It was just found a few months ago. He's got only a couple of months left to live.

What would you do if you knew that it left you only a few months to live?

The young man in Time to leave (Le temps qui reste)  by François Ozon chooses to visit his grand-mother first. Because she is in a similar situation as his: The death can come any time and takes her with. He then seaks to make up for his older sister by his own way. He finally breaks up with his boyfriend, although he still loves him. And last but not least, on the highway of the travel to his grand-mother's house, he meets a woman who is looking for someone who would like to make her pregnant, since her husband is infertile. They organize a three-some. He leaves forever, but a baby is born.

The young married woman in My life without me (Ma vie sans moi) by Isabel Coixet conceals the fact of her terminal cancer to live her life with a passion she never had before. She writes down a list of things to do before she dies. She speaks birthday wishes into radio cassettes for each birthday of her two children until they become 18 years old. She falls in love with a lonely man she meets in the laundromat.

Another young man in Running out of time by Johnnie To has only 4 weeks to live by taking cancer pain killers. He chooses to involve a lonely policeman for his revenge plan. It's more or less a game when the one is fascinated by the other. Both are likely to fall in love together, at least through the admiring way they look at each other. They even get into a kiss. The young man wants to win a coup by dealing with the finance mafia from his revenge plan. He finally achieves his goals: 20 millions HKD are donated anonymously to an organisation helping cancer children; a necklace goes to a young woman having helped him against the hunting by the police on a line bus.

The writer of this blog would:

1. See his mother and assure her that his love for her will never die.

2. See his high school sweetheart whom he has never stopped loving. 

3. Visit  Sydney, New York, Da Lat by himself.

4. Make love with a beautiful and nice woman for making a baby.

5. Rob a bank with his dream guys from Burnt Money.

6. And wake up.

Samstag, 9. September 2006

Remembering 9/11 (Part 1)

My 9/11/2001

It was a weird day in Berlin. The sky turned every second into a crying woman who had been waiting for her man so long. But right afterthat the sun appeared immediately to show his smiling face to everybody. The dilemma came and went, and so on.

I was on my way to the house of a friend who was gonna visit Hanoi. To say goodbye and to wish her having a nice trip, to ask her helping me by bringing a letter and some money from me to my lovely sister in Hanoi. Such usual things you do when a friend of yours travels to your homeland.

I took the city train to go there. The station was on the river and I had to come along a bridge, then a small way without any trees. Her house was located in a new-built area of the city. It was cold caused of the wind from the river.

I rang the bell, she came out with an everyday-face, i.e. with a superficial smile. Through that kind of faces nothing special seemed to happen. I came in her house, and what I saw, the whole family was sitting in front of a big television. On the screen the Twin Towers were burning. I suprisingly asked in a loud voice, towards nobody: "What the hell is going on there?". "America is attacked" - said her father. "Is it true?". "Yes, it's true" - said her boyfriend who sat next to her mother. And then we all laughted. Yes, we laughted. Unbelievable. Someone spoke out like an experienced expert in politics: "It will be a lesson for the arrogant Americans". We all seemed to agree with the statement, since there was no protest outloud.

After a while I began to unterstand what kind of horror we were gonna to live with. I didn't want to stay there anymore. So I said goodbye. I wished her a nice and safe flight. I thanked her for helping me. Then I went.

On the way back to the station it rained harder. I was in a very weird mood. It was no happiness, nor angst; no disappointment, nor luck. It was actually a mix of them.

I had a date that day. The guy whom I had a connection with over the internet came from far away to visit me that day.They all then were weird. The guy, Berlin and the world.

Freitag, 1. September 2006

This is my life

Le Minh says he hasn't known anything about my life since I didn't write about myself so often.

But Minh my dear, no one will show his real face, his real heart to you, never ever. Even if someone blogs everyday, pretends to inform you about his life day by day. It's in fact just a play, nothing more.  You will never really be capable to know the main reason why this person is about to think and to handle like that.

Leo says one's life is going to be peeled from time to time, your real person will be unmasked one day. You cannot hide it. According to a quote from a Japanese movie I saw ages ago, I adds to this: One's life is  an onion which is going to be peeled day after day; and at the end your eyes are full of tears.

So now do you guys still want to know more about me? Do you really want to peel me faster, stronger and more ruthlessly?